Alexander Pope - Delphi Poets Series Read online

There swims no goose so gray, but soon or late

  She finds some honest gander for her mate.

  Horses (thou say’st) and asses men may try, 100

  And ring suspected vessels ere they buy;

  But wives, a random choice, untried they take,

  They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake;

  Then, not till then, the veil’s remov’d away,

  And all the woman glares in open day. 105

  You tell me, to preserve your wife’s good grace,

  Your eyes must always languish on my face,

  Your tongue with constant flatt’ries feed my ear,

  And tag each sentence with ‘My life! my dear!’

  If by strange chance a modest blush be rais’d, 110

  Be sure my fine complexion must be prais’d.

  My garments always must be new and gay,

  And feasts still kept upon my wedding day.

  Then must my nurse be pleas’d, and fav’rite maid;

  And endless treats and endless visits paid 115

  To a long train of kindred, friends, allies:

  All this thou say’st, and all thou say’st are lies.

  On Jenkin, too, you cast a squinting eye:

  What! can your ‘prentice raise your jealousy?

  Fresh are his ruddy cheeks, his forehead fair, 120

  And like the burnish’d gold his curling hair.

  But clear thy wrinkled brow, and quit thy sorrow;

  I ‘d scorn your ‘prentice should you die to-morrow.

  Why are thy chests all lock’d? on what design?

  Are not thy worldly goods and treasure mine? 125

  Sir, I ‘m no fool; nor shall you, by St. John,

  Have goods and body to yourself alone.

  One you shall quit, in spite of both your eyes —

  I heed not, I, the bolts, the locks, the spies.

  If you had wit, you ‘d say, ‘Go where you will, 130

  Dear spouse! I credit not the tales they tell:

  Take all the freedoms of a married life;

  I know thee for a virtuous, faithful wife.’

  Lord! when you have enough, what need you care

  How merrily soever others fare? 135

  Tho’ all the day I give and take delight,

  Doubt not sufficient will be left at night.

  ‘T is but a just and rational desire

  To light a taper at a neighbour’s fire.

  There ‘s danger too, you think, in rich array, 140

  And none can long be modest that are gay.

  The cat, if you but singe her tabby skin,

  The chimney keeps, and sits content within:

  But once grown sleek, will from her corner run,

  Sport with her tail, and wanton in the sun: 145

  She licks her fair round face, and frisks abroad

  To show her fur, and to be catterwaw’d.

  Lo thus, my friends, I wrought to my desires

  These three right ancient venerable sires.

  I told them, Thus you say, and thus you do; 150

  And told them false, but Jenkin swore ‘t was true.

  I, like a dog, could bite as well as whine,

  And first complain’d whene’er the guilt was mine.

  I tax’d them oft with wenching and amours,

  When their weak legs scarce dragg’d them out of doors; 155

  And swore the rambles that I took by night

  Were all to spy what damsels they bedight:

  That colour brought me many hours of mirth;

  For all this wit is giv’n us from our birth.

  Heav’n gave to woman the peculiar grace 160

  To spin, to weep, and cully human race.

  By this nice conduct and this prudent course,

  By murm’ring, wheedling, stratagem, and force,

  I still prevail’d, and would be in the right;

  Or curtain lectures made a restless night. 165

  If once my husband’s arm was o’er my side,

  ‘What! so familiar with your spouse?’ I cried:

  I levied first a tax upon his need;

  Then let him—’t was a nicety indeed!

  Let all mankind this certain maxim hold; 170

  Marry who will, our sex is to be sold.

  With empty hands no tassels you can lure,

  But fulsome love for gain we can endure;

  For gold we love the impotent and old,

  And heave, and pant, and kiss, and cling, for gold. 175

  Yet with embraces curses oft I mixt,

  Then kiss’d again, and chid, and rail’d betwixt.

  Well, I may make my will in peace, and die,

  For not one word in man’s arrears am I.

  To drop a dear dispute I was unable, 180

  Ev’n though the Pope himself had sat at table;

  But when my point was gain’d, then thus I spoke:

  ‘Billy, my dear, how sheepishly you look!

  Approach, my spouse, and let me kiss thy cheek;

  Thou shouldst be always thus resign’d and meek! 185

  Of Job’s great patience since so oft you preach,

  Well should you practise who so well can teach.

  ‘T is difficult to do, I must allow,

  But I, my dearest! will instruct you how.

  Great is the blessing of a prudent wife, 190

  Who puts a period to domestic strife.

  One of us two must rule, and one obey;

  And since in man right Reason bears the sway,

  Let that frail thing, weak woman, have her way.

  The wives of all my family have ruled 195

  Their tender husbands, and their passions cool’d.

  Fie! ‘t is unmanly thus to sigh and groan:

  What! would you have me to yourself alone?

  Why, take me, love! take all and every part!

  Here ‘s your revenge! you love it at your heart. 200

  Would I vouchsafe to sell what Nature gave,

  You little think what custom I could have.

  But see! I ‘m all your own — nay hold — for shame!

  What means my dear? — indeed — you are to blame.’

  Thus with my first three lords I pass’d my life, 205

  A very woman and a very wife.

  What sums from these old spouses I could raise

  Procur’d young husbands in my riper days.

  Tho’ past my bloom, not yet decay’d was I,

  Wanton and wild, and chatter’d like a pie. 210

  In country dances still I bore the bell,

  And sung as sweet as ev’ning Philomel.

  To clear my quail-pipe, and refresh my soul,

  Full oft I drain’d the spicy nut-brown bowl;

  Rich luscious wines, that youthful blood improve, 215

  And warm the swelling veins to feats of love:

  For ‘t is as sure as cold engenders hail,

  A liquorish mouth must have a lech’rous tail:

  Wine lets no lover unrewarded go,

  As all true gamesters by experience know. 220

  But oh, good Gods! whene’er a thought I cast

  On all the joys of youth and beauty past,

  To find in pleasures I have had my part

  Still warms me to the bottom of my heart.

  This wicked world was once my dear delight; 225

  Now all my conquests, all my charms, good night!

  The flour consumed, the best that now I can

  Is ev’n to make my market of the bran.

  My fourth dear spouse was not exceeding true;

  He kept, ‘t was thought, a private miss or two; 230

  But all that score I paid — As how? you ‘ll say:

  Not with my body, in a filthy way;

  But I so dress’d, and danc’d, and drank, and din’d

  And view’d a friend with eyes so very kind,

  As stung his heart, and made his marrow fry, 235

  With b
urning rage and frantic jealousy.

  His soul, I hope, enjoys eternal glory,

  For here on earth I was his purgatory.

  Oft, when his shoe the most severely wrung,

  He put on careless airs, and sat and sung. 240

  How sore I gall’d him only Heav’n could know,

  And he that felt, and I that caus’d the woe.

  He died when last from pilgrimage I came,

  With other gossips, from Jerusalem;

  And now lies buried underneath a rood, 245

  Fair to be seen, and rear’d of honest wood:

  A tomb, indeed, with fewer sculptures graced

  Than that Mausolus’ pious widow placed,

  Or where enshrin’d the great Darius lay;

  But cost on graves is merely thrown away. 250

  The pit fill’d up, with turf we cover’d o’er;

  So bless the good man’s soul! I say no more.

  Now for my fifth lov’d lord, the last and best;

  (Kind Heav’n afford him everlasting rest!)

  Full hearty was his love, and I can show 255

  The tokens on my ribs in black and blue;

  Yet with a knack my heart he could have won,

  While yet the smart was shooting in the bone.

  How quaint an appetite in women reigns!

  Free gifts we scorn, and love what costs us pains. 260

  Let men avoid us, and on them we leap;

  A glutted market makes provision cheap.

  In pure good will I took this jovial spark,

  Of Oxford he, a most egregious clerk.

  He boarded with a widow in the town, 265

  A trusty gossip, one dame Alison;

  Full well the secrets of my soul she knew,

  Better than e’er our parish priest could do.

  To her I told whatever could befall:

  Had but my husband piss’d against a wall, 270

  Or done a thing that might have cost his life,

  She — and my niece — and one more worthy wife,

  Had known it all: what most he would conceal,

  To these I made no scruple to reveal.

  Oft has he blush’d from ear to ear for shame 275

  That e’er he told a secret to his dame.

  It so befell, in holy time of Lent,

  That oft a day I to this gossip went;

  (My husband, thank my stars, was out of town)

  From house to house we rambled up and down, 280

  This clerk, myself, and my good neighbour Alse,

  To see, be seen, to tell, and gather tales.

  Visits to every church we daily paid,

  And march’d in every holy masquerade;

  The stations duly and the vigils kept; 285

  Not much we fasted, but scarce ever slept.

  At sermons, too, I shone in scarlet gay:

  The wasting moth ne’er spoil’d my best array;

  The cause was this, I wore it every day.

  ‘T was when fresh May her early blossoms yields, 290

  This clerk and I were walking in the fields.

  We grew so intimate, I can’t tell how,

  I pawn’d my honour, and engaged my vow,

  If e’er I laid my husband in his urn,

  That he, and only he, should serve my turn. 295

  We straight struck hands, the bargain was agreed;

  I still have shifts against a time of need.

  The mouse that always trusts to one poor hole

  Can never be a mouse of any soul.

  I vow’d I scarce could sleep since first I knew him, 300

  And durst be sworn he had bewitch’d me to him;

  If e’er I slept I dream’d of him alone,

  And dreams foretell, as learned men have shown.

  All this I said; but dreams, Sirs, I had none:

  I follow’d but my crafty crony’s lore, 305

  Who bid me tell this lie — and twenty more.

  Thus day by day, and month by month we past;

  It pleas’d the Lord to take my spouse at last.

  I tore my gown, I soil’d my locks with dust,

  And beat my breasts, as wretched widows — must. 310

  Before my face my handkerchief I spread,

  To hide the flood of tears I — did not shed.

  The good man’s coffin to the church was borne;

  Around the neighbours and my clerk too mourn.

  But as he march’d, good Gods! he show’d a pair 315

  Of legs and feet so clean, so strong, so fair!

  Of twenty winters’ age he seem’d to be;

  I (to say truth) was twenty more than he;

  But vig’rous still, a lively buxom dame,

  And had a wondrous gift to quench a flame. 320

  A conjurer once, that deeply could divine,

  Assur’d me Mars in Taurus was my sign.

  As the stars order’d, such my life has been:

  Alas, alas! that ever love was sin!

  Fair Venus gave me fire and sprightly grace, 325

  And Mars assurance and a dauntless face.

  By virtue of this powerful constellation,

  I follow’d always my own inclination.

  But to my tale: — A month scarce pass’d away,

  With dance and song we kept the nuptial day. 330

  All I possess’d I gave to his command,

  My goods and chattels, money, house, and land;

  But oft repented, and repent it still;

  He prov’d a rebel to my sov’reign will;

  Nay, once, by Heav’n! he struck me on the face: 335

  Hear but the fact, and judge yourselves the case.

  Stubborn as any lioness was I,

  And knew full well to raise my voice on high;

  As true a rambler as I was before,

  And would be so in spite of all he swore. 340

  He against this right sagely would advise,

  And old examples set before my eyes;

  Tell how the Roman matrons led their life,

  Of Gracchus’ mother, and Duilius’ wife;

  And close the sermon, as beseem’d his wit, 345

  With some grave sentence out of Holy Writ.

  Oft would he say, ‘Who builds his house on sands,

  Pricks his blind horse across the fallow lands,

  Or lets his wife abroad with pilgrims roam,

  Deserves a fool’s-cap and long ears at home.’ 350

  All this avail’d not, for whoe’er he be

  That tells my faults, I hate him mortally!

  And so do numbers more, I ‘ll boldly say,

  Men, women, clergy, regular and lay.

  My spouse (who was, you know, to learning bred) 355

  A certain treatise oft at evening read,

  Where divers authors (whom the devil confound

  For all their lies) were in one volume bound:

  Valerius whole, and of St. Jerome part;

  Chrysippus and Tertullian, Ovid’s Art, 360

  Solomon’s Proverbs, Eloisa’s loves,

  And many more than sure the church approves.

  More legends were there here of wicked wives

  Than good in all the Bible and saints’ lives.

  Who drew the lion vanquish’d? ‘T was a man: 365

  But could we women write as scholars can,

  Men should stand mark’d with far more wickedness

  Than all the sons of Adam could redress.

  Love seldom haunts the breast where learning lies,

  And Venus sets ere Mercury can rise. 370

  Those play the scholars who can’t play the men,

  And use that weapon which they have, their pen;

  When old, and past the relish of delight,

  Then down they sit, and in their dotage write

  That not one woman keeps her marriage-vow. 375

  (This by the way, but to my purpose now.)

  It chanc’d my husband, on a wi
nter’s night,

  Read in this book aloud with strange delight,

  How the first female (as the Scriptures show)

  Brought her own spouse and all his race to woe; 380

  How Samson fell; and he whom Dejanire

  Wrapp’d in th’ envenom’d shirt, and set on fire;

  How curs’d Eriphyle her lord betray’d,

  And the dire ambush Clytemnestra laid;

  But what most pleas’d him was the Cretan dame 385

  And husband-bull — Oh, monstrous! fie, for shame!

  He had by heart the whole detail of woe

  Xantippe made her good man undergo;

  How oft she scolded in a day he knew,

  How many pisspots on the sage she threw — 390

  Who took it patiently, and wiped his head:

  ‘Rain follows thunder,’ that was all he said.

  He read how Arius to his friend complain’d

  A fatal tree was growing in his land,

  On which three wives successively had twin’d 395

  A sliding noose, and waver’d in the wind.

  ‘Where grows this plant,’ replied the friend, ‘oh where?

  For better fruit did never orchard bear:

  Give me some slip of this most blissful tree,

  And in my garden planted it shall be.’ 400

  Then how two wives their lords’ destruction prove,

  Thro’ hatred one, and one thro’ too much love;

  That for her husband mix’d a pois’nous draught,

  And this for lust an am’rous philtre bought;

  The nimble juice soon seiz’d his giddy head, 405

  Frantic at night, and in the morning dead.

  How some with swords their sleeping lords have slain,

  And some have hammer’d nails into their brain,

  And some have drench’d them with a deadly potion:

  All this he read, and read with great devotion. 410

  Long time I heard, and swell’d, and blush’d, and frown’d;

  But when no end of these vile tales I found,

  When still he read, and laugh’d, and read again,

  And half the night was thus consumed in vain,

  Provoked to vengeance, three large leaves I tore, 415

  And with one buffet fell’d him on the floor.

  With that my husband in a fury rose,

  And down he settled me with hearty blows.

  I groan’d, and lay extended on my side;

  ‘Oh! thou hast slain me for my wealth,’ I cried! 420

  ‘Yet I forgive thee — take my last embrace’ —

  He wept, kind soul! and stoop’d to kiss my face:

  I took him such a box as turn’d him blue,

  Then sigh’d and cried, ‘Adieu, my dear, adieu!’

  But after many a hearty struggle past, 425

  I condescended to be pleas’d at last.

  Soon as he said, ‘My mistress and my wife!